It is a time like this that I wish that I was an influential, powerful man.  I would have put an end to this sacrilege long ago.

When I first heard rumor that there was going to be a new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie coming out, I was intrigued…… but skeptical.  After all, Hollywood has been “remaking” classics for years now and, more often than not, they are terrible.  Then I heard that Michael Bay was attached and thought: “Dear God, no….”  Then, when an (allegedly) “early draft” of the script got leaked — identifying the turtles not as mutants but as aliens…. ALIENS… oh, and Shredder? Yeah, he is/was an alien, too — I had to sit down in order to gather my composure before my chest, likely, exploded…. or imploded… whatever is more physiologically possible/probable.  “Reportedly”*, that was just an early draft and it was always going to be changed, and, “reportedly”* has been changed in the actual film.  (Of which I am already not going to see.)

*I use quotation marks because I don’t trust Michael Bay.  Aliens sounds like something that he would do.

I’m not a terribly religious man but I define this as blasphemy on the highest order.  I grew up on the TMNT.  Some of my earliest memories of life were playing with my TMNT action figures — of which I had a UHaul-deep box of them, including their sewer hideout, their van, dozens of variations on the Turtles themselves, Splinter, Shredder, foot soldiers, you name it and I probably had it.

The first movie that I ever remember seeing in the movie theaters (and, quite possibly, was my first movie theater experience, due to my age) was TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze, that I saw with my family for my 7th birthday.  I saw it with my family, not my friends because I was 7 years old!!!!  I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE FRIENDS YET THAT I CELEBRATED MY BIRTHDAY WITH!!!  These characters have predated ALL of my social relationships.  And, now, they are trying to take my beloved childhood memories and just rip them up, replacing them with this abomination.

There is so much about this movie that irritates me and makes me angry.  And I have been stewing over it for the past MONTHS since I caught wind of the remake, and then a month or so ago (when the first trailer was released), and, now, after seeing the trailer again when I went and saw Godzilla this weekend, I am now fuming.  There is so much about this movie that makes me angry and I’ll get to them (in no particular order):

–The aforementioned possibility that there are aliens involved.  Even though Michael Bay later came out saying that it was just a draft that was in the writing phase, I don’t buy it.  Aliens never make a remake of a dormant franchise better. NEVER.  Even though I refuse to acknowledge its existence, but (hypothetically speaking) if Indiana Jones did a movie with aliens, it would be terrible.  Why? BECAUSE INDIANA JONES FIGHTS NAZIS, NOT ALIENS!!!!

–Shredder as a white guy.  Shredder being played by William Fichtner???? He’s supposed to be a samurai warrior!!!  How do you take such a HUGE part of the story and just completely change it?? It’s bad enough that (allegedly) Michelangelo is going to be the serious one and Raphael the comedic relief…….*deep controlled breathing to prevent explosive typing*………… but to make Shredder a white guy?? Really????  Don’t get me wrong, I like William Fichtner’s work and think that he is a fine actor, but not in this role.  Not this way.   It’d be like if they did a reboot of the Blade series starring the Entourage guy (Adrian Grenier).  Could he do it? Yeah, sure.  But just because he can do it, doesn’t mean that it is to be done.  You can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that doesn’t make it a good idea!!*  It is absolutely ridiculous.

*props to Chris Rock (Bigger & Blacker, HBO 1999)

–The humanoid appearance.  Now, this is partially due to my nostalgia on what the TMNT should look like.  Is it right? I don’t know.  But I can tell you that giving them human faces is WRONG.  They are turtles!!! Not turtle-human hybrid—-oh my God….is that going to be a plot twist??? I swear to everything sacred and holy….if they end up being some sort of turtle-human hybrid…………..for sake of future prosecution, I won’t say anything that I’m thinking right now….. I’ll just be incredibly mad if that happens.

–Over-the-top action movie.  The TMNT should be about hand-to-hand combat in the martial arts, but the trailer has buildings falling down, the guys soaring down mountains (using their shells to take out armored vehicles), and that is just so far off of what this movie should be about.  The action should be contained but, I fear, that Michael Bay is going to turn it into another crappy Transformers movie.  I don’t know how but I think it is going to happen.

 –Preying on the children or the nostalgic morons with money.  This is what this movie is really all about: preying on kids who don’t know better or the moronic adults that have money to spend now.  It’s like when the last few Star Wars movies came out — after the first one (Phantom Menace) it became ABUNDANTLY clear that the new chapters were going to suck…. the casting was bad, too dependent on visual effects (that they went waaaay over the top with), and, had it been an original idea, it probably would have bombed.  Why didn’t it?  Because it is Star Wars.  There are always going to be the die-hard Star War fans that will gladly give their money away to anything Star Wars-related.  I knew it and George Lucas knew it, too.  That’s why they re-released the original three with updated visual effects — because these morons would pay a ton of money in order to have them.  It is stupid.  I’m all for being a fan and a die-hard one, even, but have some respect for yourself.  If it’s a crappy product, you shouldn’t buy it.  Bottom line.

People who will buy into something knowing that it is mistake simply because it is part of the series irritate and borderline-enrage me.  “Oh, you know, I’m a fan so I’m still going to go see it”.  NO! You’re a moron and part of the problem!  You’re the reason that crappy remakes like these get made!! If these ventures were not successful, THEY WOULDN’T GET MADE!!!! BUT because of people like you, who settle for reprocessed CRAP, it generates money and the studios continue to green light the projects, which then make good movies less common, and raise my blood-pressure to likely-unhealthy-levels!!  STOP IT!!!

I have official endorsements that I lend my name to (Stanford’s, Southwest Airlines, Dockers, Heritage Barbershop, Hyundai, to name a few) but if they started putting out a crappy product I WOULD STOP ENDORSING THEM!!!! They would no longer earn my support!!

My Plea to Movie-Goers

My plea to the the movie-goers is to please, please, PLEASE do not see this movie in the theaters.  It’ll be on Netflix or Hulu or one of those soon enough, if you really are interested.  This is not about this crappy movie (well, partially it is), it is more about this trend in American cinema that needs to stop.  We used to be great storytellers and original entertainers, but now? We just remake foreign films/TV shows or recycle ideas that we came up with 30+ years ago; figuring that if we pump enough visual effects into something that it’ll be successful…..and, sadly, it usually is.  But that doesn’t mean that it is right!!!

We are still a nation of creators, but when the market is content with remakes, and they are profitable, then that is what the big-money studios start to focus on; which takes our creative minds and shuts them down.  We need more imagination, we need more creativity, and the only way that we will get either is if these terrible ideas are allowed to fail.  Please, please, please help me make this movie fail.  Thank you.

-Ryan.